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Emily Faith

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Jan. 26th, 2016 | 01:49 pm
location: Rhinebeck, New York
mood: determined
music: Song of the Rose - Jordan de la Sierra

Another round of holidays has arrived for my daughters and me, without my darling Emily.

Lots of memories of holidays around this time of year, and otherwhen.

Mostly unpleasant, these memories.

Even when I accompanied Emily to these Events ( ostensibly to 'protect' her, although serving as a witness / backup verification to the proceedings was just as important to her sanity ), there would always be a period of three or more days following the event during which I would find myself holding her while she trembled and screamed and cried, processing all of the negativity she had accrued while spending time with the clan Cohen, and with Peter ( her brother ) and Nancy ( Peter's wife ).

When I asked Emily why she persisted in exposing herself to all of this abuse, her reply was always a variation on the theme of her fears of being 'cut off' from The Family, 'cut off' from support, being left penniless and destitute.

Hostage Logic.

Capture Bonding.

' Family ' as Stockholm Syndrome.

A lot of outrageous things had to happen over the years, a lot of things had to be screwed up, in order for Emily to finally admit to herself, and to me, that ' The Family ' was largely a fiction; that ' there hasn't really been a family for a long while ' ( <-- Emily's words ).

Emily ran a number of Post Mortems by me on the ' Death of The Family ' over the years, involving events such as -

- her father Bob's death, her mother Linda's death; her uncle Bud's death; her uncle Herb's death; her cousin Dan cheating on his wife, Mara; her cousin David's psychotic break; trusted family advisor and accountant David Zonner's transmogrification into a liar and embezzler; her brother, Peter, and his wife, Nancy, refusing to be godparents of our children; her cousins Tom and Lisa becoming fed up with all of the bullying and badgering and making themselves and their children unavailable to any further attacks -

That's the 'short list'.

Emily's psychopharmacologist once told her that - "The circumstances of your life are not conducive to your mental health."

That one was usually good for a laugh in Emily's darker, even suicidal, moments.

The takeaway :

There Is Always A Reason.

Whenever something gets screwed up, whenever something outrageous goes down, whenever somebody does something really rotten, there is a reason for it.

You still have a screwed-up, outrageous situation to deal with, though - and explaining it and discussing it does nothing to alleviate that situation one bit.

You can spend some time sussing it out, if you care to, and learn why they are an < expletive deleted >.

But the Fact of the Act ( or Acts ) remains, and it changes nothing to run a posthumous psychoanalysis on the perpetrator(s).

Acts, and their consequences, are the things by which others judge us.

Judging the behavior of others is among our most Basic Survival Skills : it is Healthy to avoid people that put us in danger ( wittingly or not ) and / or cause us pain ( wittingly or not ).

I also accept that there will always be people that I must conduct business with that (a.) do not like me, or (b.) I do not like.

And conducting business with such people is where the Exercise of Manners and Politeness plays such a very important role.

With regard to my remarks above re: explanations and discussions, it must be pretty obvious that I don't do ' therapy ' - that is just one of the many activities that I personally regard as a waste of time and money, along with things like skiing, golfing, gambling, drinking, smoking, &tc.

Giving someone else's opinions and decisions priority over your own opinions is Standard Operating Procedure for hierarchical structures such as businesses, where Employers 'manage' or 'boss' their Employees around, for example.

'Management' being a euphemism for Control.

I prefer a life of self-examination and self-direction, of Self-Governance, instead of *paying someone to tell me what to do*, which is what therapy is all about when someone peeks behind the curtain of jargon.

No matter how wealthy or privileged you are, no one ( not even your therapist ) can take a bath for you.

No one can Communicate for you.

And no one can Live your life for you.

For my part, I simply want to get on with my life with a minimum of interference from the in-laws that I have inherited from my wife.

What my in-laws do with their lives is between them and HaShem.

My in-laws may not approve of what I do with my life, nor do I expect them to.

But they must perforce accept what I do with my life.

And no amount of yanking on my chains masquerading as 'love' will deter me in the least - I intend to keep my promises to Emily and my daughters.

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